A Pastor's Happy Marriage

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

Benjamin Kreps:

Hey everyone and welcome to the Mark Prater Podcast, where our aim is to connect our global family of Sovereign Grace churches with our Executive Director. 

Mark, you came prepared and ready to talk to us about a topic that is on your mind and heart at the moment, and you want to talk to us about a pastor's happy marriage. Why do you want to talk about a pastor's happy marriage?

Mark Prater:

Well, I want to talk about it, first of all, because I think we see this in Scripture — really for all marriages — but I think it applies especially to the pastor. And for example, you find it in Ecclesiastes 9:9. Throughout this entire book, the author has said several times, "Life is vanity." We have a vain, short life. And he says this in chapter 9, verse 9. 

"Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun."

So God has given us a portion, as it says there — really, an anguished recognition in terms of marriage. You've got to remember that our Bible begins with a marriage and ends with a marriage. It begins with marriage in Genesis 2:24, where God establishes the institution of marriage and gives it as a gift to His creation for all. And here in Ecclesiastes 9:9, we see another gift that He has given us in this vain life — that spouses are to enjoy one another in the context of marriage. And that enjoyment, that joy and delight in marriage, is actually a gift that God has given us.

Now, of course, that applies to anybody listening — any married couples that are listening to this podcast or reading it. But I think there's a real impact that a pastor's happy marriage can have on the life of his church. It not only authenticates who you are in terms of being a gospel man and a gospel woman, but it also authenticates any teaching you do when it comes to marriage. And that teaching isn't limited to standing behind the pulpit. How a pastor and his wife live out marriage — in all of its challenges and joys — yet with delight, has a real impact on the life of a church.

Benjamin Kreps:

Yes, excellent. That is an important and wonderful topic, and it's always wise to use more Ecclesiastes on the podcast, in my opinion. So talk to us about an illustration you were thinking about recently — an illustration of a pastor from church history.

Mark Prater:

Yeah, let's talk about Richard Baxter. Well-known — a Puritan pastor — and I want to talk about his wife, Margaret, as well.

If you don't know Richard Baxter, he was a 17th-century Puritan pastor who pastored in Kidderminster, which is in Southwest Birmingham, England. Margaret Charlton, who would become Margaret Baxter, grew up in a wealthy home in Shropshire, England, just a few miles from Kidderminster. And she was actually converted to Christ under Baxter's preaching at his church.

They were married in 1662, just two weeks after Baxter and some 2,000 other Puritan pastors were excluded from their pulpits for being non-conformists — meaning they would not stop preaching the true gospel. So, known as a key leader among the Puritans, Richard Baxter was dogged by spies until 1668, when toleration was actually legalized. He was the frequent object of slander, and on one occasion he was actually arrested and imprisoned.

He and Margaret went on to live in London, where they were forced to move from house to house frequently, partly because of this persecution. And sometimes they lived in what could only be called less than ideal circumstances. One gets a good idea of Margaret's mettle when Baxter arrives home one day and tells her he is going to be imprisoned — which he was, in 1669. And then he reports this: Margaret said, "Well, I will cheerfully go to prison with you." So that is what she did. She went to prison with her husband.

Despite the fact that it was illegal for Baxter to preach the true gospel, Margaret, more than once, used large portions of the wealth she had inherited to pay for chapels to be built in which Baxter could preach the true gospel. And on one occasion, in 1673, Margaret asked Richard where in London he most desired to preach. He told her of an area called St. Martin's Parish, and said he wanted to preach there because there were at least 40,000 or more people who couldn't come to church, and he wanted them to hear the gospel of Jesus Christ. So Margaret took money from her inherited wealth and built Richard a chapel right there in St. Martin's Parish, where he faithfully preached the gospel for many years.

Now, despite the challenges that Richard and Margaret faced, they had a very happy marriage. So what was their secret? Michael Haykin — you know Michael Haykin, a wonderful church historian — says it this way.

First, they followed the advice Richard gave in his Christian Directory, where he urged married couples to delight in one another:

"When husband and wife take pleasure in each other, it unites them in duty. It helps them with ease to do their work and bear their burdens." 

And he quotes Proverbs 5:18–19: "Rejoice with the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe; let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love. 

Then Haykin says this: they had a tremendous agreement about what ultimately mattered in life. Here is the quote:

"Nothing causes so near and fast and comfortable a union as to be united in one God, one Christ, one Spirit, one church, one hope of heavenly glory."

So Richard and Margaret had a common, God-centered vision for what they were called to do — to serve God's people. But in the midst of all the joys and the suffering and trials they went through, they had a happy marriage, because they purposed to delight in one another and to delight in their marriage. And just as an example of how a pastor's marriage can have impact and effect — think about not only how Richard preached in the different churches he preached in and the flock he pastored, but think about how Richard and Margaret's marriage influenced and affected so many people.

Benjamin Kreps:

That is a really wonderful story and illustration. If I ever go to jail for preaching the gospel, I only hope I can take Kate with me — I mean, let me seek to have that. So I so appreciate that you are seeking to encourage us in our marriages. So before we end this episode, give us some thoughts about how a pastor can further cultivate this happy marriage that we're talking about.

Mark Prater:

Let me just give you a few practical thoughts and ideas.

The first one is: cultivate input. Meaning, ask each other for input — just to find out how you're doing in delighting in one another and how you can grow. I have actually looked back at some notes from 2005 when I was just drawing Jill out for some input on how I could grow as a husband and how we could have more delight in marriage. Here is a quote from Jill. She said this in 2005 — 21 years ago: "When it comes to your day off, which is Mondays, I don't see an enthusiasm that says, 'I get to spend the whole day with you.'"

I point that out because sometimes our path to delight in marriage is not a happy path — we have to hear some truth, we have to know how we can grow. And since that time, I have purposed to demonstrate that enthusiasm toward her, so that she knows that she is the most important human being in my life. So cultivate input — ask each other questions, pastors. Make sure you're drawing your wife out. Ask her things like, "How can I grow in romancing you?" or "What are some things we're not doing that would cultivate more delight in our marriage?" That doesn't mean she has to have all the answers, but she might have some good thoughts that could help you.

Secondly — and this is not a new one, but I do want to say it — cultivate study of your spouse. This is something that C.J. and Carolyn have taught us for years, and C.J. makes a point of it in his book Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God. It's a really important principle: study your spouse. I would just add this: Jill and I have been married almost 47 years. And I've found that as we've grown older together, she changes. There are things she used to like that she doesn't like anymore.

Like, if I really wanted to surprise her — this is very simple, but she really delights in it — I could pick up a package of cherry-flavored licorice, like Twizzlers, and bring them home, just stop on the way home and give them to her. So I did that one day just to surprise and delight her, and I brought them home. She said, "I don't like those anymore." I'm like, okay. All right. So now there are these chocolate Twizzlers that are really hard to find — and when I find them, I buy several so that I can surprise her. My point is: her taste has changed. What she likes changes. I'm going to surprise her and delight in our marriage. I've realized that studying your spouse is a lifelong endeavor.

Three: cultivate consistent communication. What I mean by that is, sometimes we can drop into just being comfortable with the business-of-life stuff. We want to find other things that our wives love to talk about — or, for a wife who is listening, things our husbands want to talk about — so that we have more than just business-of-life conversations.

Number four: cultivate romance. I've mentioned this before, but just be intentional to cultivate romance. Again, date nights, something C.J. mentions in his book, overnights, planned trips together — that sort of thing. And enjoy life with the wife whom you love, as Ecclesiastes 9:9 says.

Cultivate surprises is another one. One of the things Jill and I have tried to do in our marriage is what I would call a "surprise date." We've done certain things where we've planning trips the other spouse didn't know about. When Jill did this for me, she worked with Erin to block out things in my calendar that weren't really there, and then I was told, "You've got to go home and pack a bag — you're leaving for a few days." So we just have some wonderful memories like that. I've done the same for her, planning trips she wasn't aware of. Just one way to cultivate surprise.

And then, when you do things like that, look to cultivate memories. There should be some memories that you as a husband and wife share — memories that are all your own. Because they're your memories, they just deepen intimacy and cultivate delight as well. So just a few thoughts on how to practically cultivate delight in your marriage and to have a happy marriage, by the grace of God.

Benjamin Kreps:

Excellent. Well, that is wonderful encouragement, Mark. It's a great idea for us husbands to be thinking about. So thanks for your care for us on this episode. And next time you're getting the chocolate Twizzlers, if you could grab me a bag — okay? I'll do that! 

All right, Mark, thank you, and thank you all for checking out the podcast. We'll see you here next week, Lord willing. Bye for now.